Every couple has conflict from time to time. Yet many couples also seem to find themselves caught in the same loop over and over again. In this loop or pattern it doesn’t seem to matter what the conflict or disagreement is about. It could be something as mundane as who did the laundry last or as significant as a breach of trust in the relationship.
Either way, a similar pattern of disagreement, lack of understanding or connection, escalation, and disconnection plays out repeatedly. This seemingly endless cycle is extremely common. Nearly every couple that seeks counseling has experienced their version of it. A popular and highly effective way to understand and defeat this pattern in couples counseling is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Within the EFT approach, the negative pattern is de-escalated, restructured, and consolidated. This article will focus on de-escalating and understanding the conflict.
The start of any conflict is a disagreement. As stated above, it doesn’t matter what the subject or case scenario is. Regardless, a couple disagrees on an issue and each side vies to be heard. Each partner expresses their perspective and possibly even their reason for seeing it that way. Rarely will couples naturally disclose their perspective, emotions, reason for how they create their understanding of the situation, what it means to them, what they need from their partner, and what makes the situation so sensitive. That progression, the accompanying understanding, and gentle engagement is the goal of EFT.
Instead, what often happens is a lack of understanding. Each side works to be heard rather than to hear. Perhaps they disclose some version of the above progression, perhaps not. Either way, neither partner usually feels heard, seen, understood, or validated. Therefore, each works harder and harder to be heard. This can often play out in one partner starting to pursue and raise the volume, intensity, or “temperature” of the conversation in order to be heard, resolve the issue, and ultimately reconnect. Unfortunately, in this escalation, the other partner often realizes that resolution and shared understanding are currently unlikely. Accordingly, with the intention of de-escalating the situation, that partner will start to withdraw from the conversation. They will seek to end it before further damage can be done. This creates a very common pattern known as Pursue and Withdraw.
At this point, each partner is significantly disconnected from the other, highly emotionally escalated, and possibly lashing out at each other from a place of hurt, anger, fear, sadness, or exhaustion. Here, neither side feels heard nor has much hope of achieving that goal in the current situation. Instead, most often, a deeper hurt, sensitivity, or fear has come back to the surface. A prior breach of trust, fear of abandonment, belief that they are not good enough, concern their partner does not and will not respect them, or another deeply held negative belief or fear has been unintentionally activated. It is providing the intensity to the conflict and causing things to get out of control.
This is the crux of consistent, stuck conflict within couples. Each partner has a valid perspective, emotion, reason, and sensitivity. Yet these more vulnerable expressions are often not said or sometimes not even recognized within the partner. Instead, the conversation stays focused on the topic hand or it ranges across multiple topics. All the while, these sensitivities are creating and sustaining the deep, festering energy that perpetuates the conflict, hurt, and disconnection between the partners. This pattern is neither partner’s fault. No one wins the “blame game”. Instead, it simply pits partners against each other. Instead, the pattern must be made the “bad guy” so that it can be defeated. From there, the sensitivities can be discovered, discussed, and addressed. Until that happens, the conflict is highly likely to continue.
Conflict is caused in couples most often through a lack of understanding. A simple, mundane topic can bring about significant, intense emotions when it activates a deeper sensitivity that the person may or may not fully understand. In those times, couples often become stuck, having circular arguments with easily recognized patterns that often fall into the Pursue and Withdraw sequence. As each partner seeks to express their perspective and protect the relationship in their own way, the situation becomes unproductive and painful for both parties. At that time, couples will often drop the issue for the time being, but the core sensitivity is often solidified and affirmed in their minds after each unresolved conflict. Until the underlying sensitivity is brought to light and navigated together, it will keep driving the couple apart.
If this sounds like your relationship, you may be asking yourself what your options are. It is quite likely that couples counseling would be largely beneficial for you and your partner. If that is something you would like to either pursue or learn more about, Tennessee Mental Wellness has multiple therapists in Hendersonville and Gallatin that can help you. They are trained and proficient in Emotionally Focused Therapy and have helped many couples just like you. These therapists also offer a free 15 minute phone consultation if you’d like to call, get to know them, discuss what is causing you to consider therapy, and learn more about how they can help you.