Emotions are an innate part of the human experience, felt, understood, and expressed by everyone in unique ways. Typically, we learn about emotions and relationships from our parents, shaping our understanding of what is normal. This understanding often stays with us into adulthood.
In today's culture, there is increasing emphasis on the importance of emotions. Mental Health Counselors agree that understanding and accepting our emotions is healthy. However, many people struggle with emotional awareness, regulation, and expression because they were never taught how to develop these skills. This four-part blog aims to provide an overview of these concepts.
Understanding emotions is crucial because we cannot explain what we do not understand. Imagine trying to teach someone advanced mathematics or how to rebuild a car engine without understanding it yourself. The same principle applies to emotions: to share our emotions and seek support, we must first understand them.
Once we build internal emotional awareness, we can move on to regulation. Controlling emotions involves understanding what the emotion is, where it comes from, and what fuels it. By understanding the emotion, we can choose to make it larger or smaller. When an emotion is regulated, we can decide whether to share it and the experience that led to it.
Expressing emotions is the final step. Sharing emotions requires understanding, control, and a trusting relationship. Sharing emotions is inherently vulnerable, and it's important to understand what we hope to achieve by sharing. Patience is often required to help the other person fully understand us.
People who develop emotional awareness, regulation, and expression skills tend to feel more peaceful, understand themselves better, and feel understood more often. If these skills sound beneficial to you, read on!
Have you ever thought about emotions like an iceberg? With icebergs, there is often a small part above the water line that is visible, but a far larger part of the iceberg is invisible below the surface. Emotions work the same way. Usually, we have a “smaller” (Secondary) emotion on the “surface” that is visible, and there is a “larger” (Primary) emotion below the “surface” that is not as easily seen or displayed. Just as the submerged part of the iceberg anchors and orients it, the Primary Emotions create the energy, sensitivity, and presence of the Secondary Emotions.
All emotions are based on 6 Basic Emotions: Sad, Fear, Anger, Surprise, Happy, and Disgust. All other emotions are more specific offshoots of these 6 Basics.
Back to the iceberg, secondary emotions are on the surface to protect us from getting hurt. At least that is the idea. Usually, they are an offshoot of Anger. They can often show up in conflict in many different ways. These emotions can have different goals, but usually, they aim to avoid vulnerability. That vulnerability is both with whoever you are talking to and with yourself. Secondary Emotions show up on the “surface” to avoid looking closer at the Primary Emotion deeper below.
Primary Emotions are usually connected with Attachment Fears or Core Beliefs about ourselves. Primary Emotions are most often a version of Hurt, Fear, Sadness, or Anger. They are often rooted in and fueled by a relational fear. Some examples are listed to the side. Everyone has relationship needs and fears coming from our human nature and our previous experiences. Accordingly, we all have things that we are sensitive towards. Maybe these things are very important to us, have hurt us in the past, or are something we deeply desire.
When someone gets activated (Primary Emotion is triggered) usually there has been an event, idea, communication, perception, etc that connects to one of their Attachment Fears or Core Beliefs. To avoid delving into the Primary Emotions and engaging that sensitive part of themselves (or sharing it with someone else) a person often gets caught up in their Secondary Emotion. They can maintain displaying or feeling the Secondary Emotion for an extended period because it is not the Primary or core Emotion.
To begin regulating (controlling) emotions, you must first connect the Secondary Emotion to the Primary Emotion. That generates the awareness to realize why the activating event had such an impact on you.
Some questions you can ask yourself include: What am I feeling right now? What makes this emotion so intense for me? Where is this emotion coming from? What deeper fear or belief could be attached to this emotion? What gives this emotion significance to me? What sustains this emotion?
Regulating emotions is simply understanding the size of the emotion, slowing the emotion down so it can be understood, and managing or processing it. Emotion regulation takes the Primary Emotion and helps us to understand and soothe the need the emotion is bringing up. Once the emotion is labeled and calmed down, we can then better explain it to ourselves and to others.
To scale emotions, we simply use a number scale similar to what you have probably seen at a doctor’s office before. Doctors often use this scale with pain; we are using it with emotional intensity. Just as with pain, you can locate where you feel the emotion in your body. Using a Body Scan, you simply mentally go from your head to your toes and identify what physical sensations you are experiencing: headache, dizziness, tension, difficulty breathing, pressure, tingling, clammy palms or armpits, jumpy/restless legs, clenching muscles, knots or butterflies in your stomach. Scan for any physical sensation - no right or wrong answers! These feelings are often connected to our emotions, and we can use the intensity of the sensation to scale and measure the intensity of the emotion. We then work to slowly lessen the intensity of the emotion to where we find it manageable. The manageable level will be different for everyone.
Once the emotion is scaled, it usually begins to slow automatically. For many people slowing down their emotions is similar to unfogging a window. As the emotion is labeled, scaled, and located within our bodies, the emotion and how it impacts us becomes increasingly clear. For example: a person feels intense anger which manifests as muscle tension throughout their shoulders and chest with heavy, fast breaths. The anger is at a 7/10 intensity. However, anger is the Secondary Emotion covering up the Primary Emotion of fear that comes from believing the person is “not good enough” and has failed at another task, expectation, relationship, or endeavor. Therefore, the “fog” of anger is covering up the Primary Emotion of fear. As the fear is understood and labeled, the anger dissipates. Then, the fear can be reassured and relieved.
Expressing emotions involves stating out loud everything we've discussed so far. This must first be done for yourself before you can explain it to someone else. Many people “verbally process” information or “talk it out.” In these situations, they are essentially learning and expressing their experience for themselves and who they are talking to simultaneously. This option works and can be highly effective! Either alone or with someone else, emotions have to be understood so that they can be explained.
When emotions are verbalized, their intensity can either increase or decrease. They may increase as the reality and significance of the emotion are fully realized. Conversely, the intensity often decreases as verbally communicating the emotion allows us to begin releasing it and moving forward. Whether intensity goes up or down, it is very helpful to communicate emotions clearly, patiently, and with someone you trust.
Communicating emotions clearly may seem obvious, but we have now spent nearly three pages discussing how to understand emotions. Most people do not understand or investigate their emotions for themselves, much less for those they care about. You will most likely have to explain the iceberg analogy, discuss the significance of the emotional experience, provide insight into the intensity of the emotion, and state what is needed to return to a peaceful experience. For most people, this is a lot to digest, and they may get confused, defensive, overwhelmed, activated, or disengaged.
Therefore, patience is needed to calmly express and teach your experience to someone else. Patience is needed not only to explain the experience in a way that someone else can understand but also to choose how you respond to their reaction. The person you confide in may react in a way that you do not anticipate or appreciate. In that situation, most people also react, and the situation escalates until it is unhelpful. If you can remain calm and aware of your emotions, you can prevent the situation from escalating and make sure you are heard and understood.
Finally, trust is needed to have this conversation. Sharing your emotions is inherently personal and vulnerable. You are expressing something sensitive and newly discovered to someone else without knowing how they will respond. Determining how much you are willing to share and how much pushback you can tolerate is important to monitor throughout the conversation. Making sure that what you say will not be used against you, and that you can manage (or take a break) from a possible negative response is very important to allow you to open up and build trust for future conversations.
From here, all that is left is practice. Identify the emotion (Secondary then Primary), where it is coming from, what makes it strong, what Attachment Fear or Core Belief it connects to, how it causes you to react to the situation, and what you need to soothe it. Then start to scale the emotion and explore it further, deepening your understanding of the Primary Emotion and what is needed to soothe it. Finally, share with yourself or someone you trust what happened, what you experienced, and what you need to feel peaceful again.
If this article was helpful to you, wonderful! I hope you learn and utilize these tools for yourself and in your relationships. If it was not helpful, if it was confusing, or if you have any questions after reading this, feel free to reach out to us! We at Tennessee Mental Wellness are happy to answer any questions, provide further resources, or match you with a therapist.